This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
You Might Also Like
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.