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“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?