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odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.