[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
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This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]