[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
You Might Also Like
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?