OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
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Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
We’ve all been there
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”