I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
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Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”