*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
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Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism