friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
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To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.