I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
You Might Also Like
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.