I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
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Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”