I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
You Might Also Like
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
🤔😂😂
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still