Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
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“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.