why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
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guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
this FaceApp is creepy af
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.