who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
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i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
no refunds
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Hit me in the face with a bird
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.