“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
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I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
#oldknees
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.