VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
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I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.