I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
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I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
is nasa ok
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
they finally got him. they got macavity
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑