BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
You Might Also Like
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Bill is short for Billiam
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂