Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
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Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”