Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
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That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”