Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
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I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?