I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
You Might Also Like
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,