9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
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I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Mad Max Arctic Road
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.