I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
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We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Me, flirting😏
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”