My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
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9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
bout dat hot dog summer
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Saturday
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table