*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
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The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!