I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
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Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?