Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
You Might Also Like
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
when revenge coincides with naptime
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
what
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them