I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
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If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”