Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
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Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
I’m crying im so happy for them
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing