And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
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Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
#SuperBowl
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes