i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
You Might Also Like
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
i meant to share this earlier
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.