All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
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I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.