The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
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A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Good morning!
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Krampus.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Thursday
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”