Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
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one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.