I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
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CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
For anyone who needs this today