Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
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[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes