im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
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Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Mistakes were made
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI