[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
You Might Also Like
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.