The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
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Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
#Caturday
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?