King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
You Might Also Like
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
water it, i dare you
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.