Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
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Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans