My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
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I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
This came to me in a dream.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.