[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
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The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.