[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
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Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!