4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
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they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
catch me on valentine’s day like
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
*launders Kohls cash*
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
At least try to make it slightly believable
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.