“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
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On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles