15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
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My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.