My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
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Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Somebody’s lying.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back